Oust

I saw an ad today where a woman was saying that she can kind of put up with garlic, but when she's cooking with onions, she needs to use Oust air sanitizer, because the smell would get up into the kids' rooms and stay there. Why does this woman hate her children? Fried onions and garlic are some of the best smells known to man. Why are you depriving your kids of that smell and foisting some terrible chemical fragrance on them? A sociologist told me there is a 40% chance these children will grow up to be serial killers.

Heineken Crapkeg

Perhaps my least favorite ad of recent months is the Heinken Draughtkeg ad.

You know, this one:



My problems don't even relate to the general poor quality of Heinken - not as bad as Miller High Life, but just a generally unjustifiable beer. "Hey, I like Budweiser, but I think foreign things make me seem more sophisticated." Not to me, pal.

Let's start with the first word of the "song" - FUTURISTIC.
I don't think so. First of all, we have robots NOW that move more smoothly and that creep me out less than this pallid robobroad. And there's certainly nothing futuristic about her 20s flapper hairdo.

The color scheme of the whole ad just sickens me. When I see this chick's skin, the words that come to my mind are "kidney failure." Which may in fact be a side-effect of Heineken abuse.

Also - INNOVATIVE? Not so much. Minikegs of European beers have been around for decades. I get that this is pressurized or something but if you need a lot of Heineken, get a pony keg. If you don't, get a 12 pack. Is there really a niche for this product? Novelty, I guess. Around the holidays you used to see magnums of Heineken for sale. I bought one once. Pwn3d.

And why are there suddenly three of them at the end??? One was plenty ugly, now there's triplets for no good reason! Nothing about this whole endeavor makes me likely to pick up a Heineken, and actually may serve as a reminder that I probably drink too much as it is.

Miller High Life

I must protest the current batch of Miller High Life ads. Putting aside the fact that High Life is a shitty brew made of algae-laden sea foam and fermented dandelions unfit even for hobo consumption, these ads insult my intelligence.

The saucy fellow in the picture storms into snooty establishments and reclaims the High Life because apparently these places are over-priced. I wish he could explain how creating a scarcity of a product would produce the "tasty price" he claims to champion.* Before you know it, cases of High Life (and the only beer worse than High Life: High Life Light) will be on eBay going for triple face value. And maybe that would be for the best. But still. This perversion of simple supply-and-demand principles cannot stand. I hereby complain about it.

* Note that they declare High Life "an honest beer at a tasty price." I would prefer a tasty beer at an honest price, but they know that if they called High Life tasty, they'd be facing an investigation by the Federal Trade Commission.